How to Lead: For Sociopaths
Do you want to work your way to the top for the sole purpose of doing less and dictating more? Is status and power important to you but you don't really want to do much? Then you're in the right place.
Well, then you've got the right stuff to become the kind of leader bloated corporations want to hire and then can't fire due to a lack of accountability and their own leadership failures. Take advantage of these corporate losers and their loser employees by draining them of resources that they will barely notice are gone. It's time to take your "leadership" to the next level by reading and implementing the following list of behaviors and concepts into your workday.
Be a hypocrite. People love this and will respect you for it. Say you will do something for someone and then don’t deliver or follow up. It’s fine because you are too busy leading and you will check on that stuff later…probably. How do people remember this stuff anyway?
Don't go out of your way to help others. Your staff is there to make your life easier, not the other way around. Demand things from them regardless of their current workload. Ask why things aren't done instead of noticing the things that are done. Never ask if they need help or if you can do anything for them.
Don't become familiar with the tasks that you expect your team to complete. Don't take time to work in each department and learn what is working and how they are challenging. When an associate needs help or to be trained just have someone else do it or complain about how dumb they are. You're too busy with more important things.
Don't learn about your team. They are underlings.
Don't ask about their life outside of work. Don't ask about their career or their past accomplishments. Don't get to know their strengths and weaknesses. Don't ask about their goals or future ambitions. You can not foster the idea that others can be leaders. They may try to dethrone you. They must remain in their place so you don’t have to replace them.
Don't learn about your employees’ availabilities and personal preferences.
Don't negotiate with them about their schedules or find out if they can work outside of their availability sometimes. If it is inconvenient for you it is bad for business. Just treat everyone like the tools they are. If they have personal issues or goals that get in the way, resent them, complain about it to others, and punish them as much as you can.
Get to know how HR works enough to manipulate the situation and get what you want.
Don't show up on time. Don't stick to your schedule. Leave without saying anything to anyone. You're the boss, remember. What are they going to do about it? Nothing! Since you are salaried you can come and go as you please. You're better than everyone so you aren't accountable to a stupid schedule. You didn't get to the top to be controlled. Take an extra day off and forget to tell anyone above you. Leave early. Come in late. Have personal emergencies regularly so you can justify your absences. You get paid the same no matter what so take advantage of this privilege. If others were important they would be salaried so their petty time off requests and payroll issues are their problems.
Use the phrase, "figure it out" a lot.
Make sure to congratulate yourself for minor tasks or tasks that are just part of the job. Congratulate yourself more than you congratulate others. Take out the trash once a month and make sure everyone knows how selfless you are. They will look up to you and know how important you are.
Don't learn how to use the tools and systems that underlie the daily operations and administrative processes. Computers are for nerds. Payroll is for nerds. Cash management is for nerds. Get your underlings to do as much for you as possible so you can ponder the big picture.
Play on your phone a lot. Talk on your phone a lot. Hang out in the office. Don’t be available randomly. Bark orders over the radio and then turn your radio off and don’t tell anyone. Don't answer phone calls, what are you a secretary? Your work-life balance is more important than anyone else's. If the boss isn't happy then no one is happy.
Don't have meetings or group huddles. Just tell people things individually and randomly and expect everyone to know the way you want things and then get frustrated when people don't do things correctly or aren't up to date. Also, change your mind about things and always be moving things around. Stability and clarity are your enemies.
Don't handle things quickly or be available for your team. Stay mysterious. This fosters self-reliance in your team and forces them to solve their own problems.
Make jokes about teammates in front of others that are borderline insults or unprofessional. This is an easy one!
Demean others using not-so-funny jokes and jabs.
Don't accept or request feedback about your leadership or about general operations. You didn’t get to the top by being less than perfect so anyone who questions you is challenging your authority and should be destroyed. In fact, just don't ask for feedback from anyone, especially from underlings. They probably don't have important opinions because they are lesser than you and they're just mad about it. It is acceptable to get feedback from those that want you to like them and say nice things.
Demean people when they speak up or try to answer your questions. Tell them they work for you and walk away. That should work.
Act like your thing is the only thing that matters. You're the most important person at the store so If you are doing it then it is the most important thing. Why else would they pay you more than anyone else? It's a reward for sticking in there all these years as an underling. Now, you can put your feet up and relax.
Do not be curious and humble when you are unfamiliar with something. Just act like you know everything and then blame others when you fail.
Lie about your accomplishments, especially when someone else is responsible. Lie about your knowledge and your past. Just lie. It's fine and no one will find out.
Take advantage of your position to be lazy. How dare anyone interrupt you with questions or ideas?
Put your duties on someone else who is paid less and wants to please you. Make everyone your assistant.
Don’t finalize your projects. Don’t follow through on tasks but make others finish or clean up after your mess. Don’t communicate these things either. Just leave others to figure it out. Also, make sure not to leave notes to help people figure things out. It's like a fun puzzle they have to solve.
Don’t apologize for mistakes or admit when you're wrong. You're never wrong and they can't see you as weak so always display confidence and strength.
Don’t notice other people’s accomplishments. Unless it makes you look good and then make the accomplishment yours. Make sure not to compliment anyone or celebrate others.
Redo other people’s work without addressing why your way is better as if it's no big deal. Everyone is stupid and in your way so just fix their shit and move on.
Make sure to go crazy right before an audit or corporate visit. Panic and get everything done at once so you look good. Make everyone rush around to make sure you look good. This is not a drill! Cramming before a test is the best way to pass and it's always worked for you so cram months of work into a day or two to make sure the higher-ups know you're a good boss and you're on top of things. The second they leave you're all done. Take the rest of the day off and never talk about it or implement any of their ideas. Just go back to business as usual.
You did it! You’re the captain now and your life is about to get way better. Make sure to implement these behaviors into your work life and watch the money and fame roll in!
*This was written in an effort to excise the negative feelings I have for previous bosses. They were not leaders. I am reminded of my first good boss. He was the manager of a small movie theater and he taught me to be disciplined and serious without giving up on humor and comradery. He taught me to not hold grudges and to tell the truth. He accepted me and respected me. He was a good example of how to lead by example and his authority came from his expertise. Since then I have resented many of my bosses for not taking on the responsibility of leadership as a serious opportunity to make the world better. It is the duty of those who take on leadership positions to foster a positive and productive work environment.
Check out these links if you want some actual advice on how to lead:
Book Review: Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
Book Review: The Dichotomy of Leadership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin