Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful queen named Priscilla Bindle and she was quite the cunt. The queen lived in a huge castle that sat on a hill overlooking the metropolitan city that sprawled for miles throughout the valley below. On her first day as queen, when she was only fourteen years old, she celebrated her inauguration by forcing three of her handmaids' to fight to the death. When she turned sixteen she decreed that all those that fell late on their taxes would have to fight in her gladiator-style tournaments. On her seventeenth birthday, she declared war on the neighboring kingdom which led to a 6 month period of carnage and destruction. After many deaths, she won the war, which increased her power and ego. Tonight is the night before the queen turns 18 and there is a hush in the city as its citizens await tomorrows bad news. But what would the queen decree this year?
A handsome young man with rough hands from working the fields sits patiently on a bench in the town center. He has the soft smile that only comes from the serene anticipation that held by those awaiting love. His name is Hank Abalone and the only thing he really owns is the horse that waits beside him; although that wouldn't last too much longer. Hank's elderly father owns the most successful farm in the land which supplies the kingdom with many pounds of potatoes, grains, corns, various vegetables, and countless berries. It's a very large farm and soon it would be Hank's.
"But not until he's married!" His father would say to Hank's dow-eyed mother when they knew he was within earshot. And she would say back, "And not until you're dead!"
The flowers in Hank's hand stood as straight as Hank's back; both pruned and manicured for the evening. Hank's mother had spent who knows how long slicking back his hair and tidying up his suit. It was, in fact, the same suit his father had worn when he had asked her to marry him so many years ago. She shed tears of happiness when she watched him ride away toward the city that night. Soon it would be Hank's time to settle down and work his own land.
His plan was to meet Maggie Tumpkin in the town square in the evening and when the clock strikes seven he would go to one knee and propose. He had courted her for more than four months now and it was time to make her an honest woman and those who knew of the two said that it was a match made in heaven. Maggie was a school teacher now but she grew up on a cow farm on the other side of the kingdom and she was no stranger to hard work. Her large, lean frame was a testament to her abilities as a farm hand but two years ago her parent's demanded she get a job in the city to try to meet a man that wasn't "a dimwitted sheep fucker" as her father would call the farm hands that he hired.
Maggie and Hank had met when Hank had ridden into town with a carriage full of fresh produce and when he saw her leading a gaggle of school children across the road toward the stables he followed her and watched her teaching. The next few days he couldn't help himself from coming into town to inquire about her. Soon he got up the nerve to ride to her father's homestead and asked him the court his daughter. Skeptical at first, her father was reluctant but after some conversation, he realized that Hank was quite sharp and when he found out that he was air to the Abalone estate he gave his blessing. They were inseparable since.
The night remained clear and warm as Hank's smile turns to concern. It is almost seven and Maggie is nowhere to be seen. A city's raucous bustle buzzed around him as many vendors were still selling their wares, children were still harassing passers-by, and a man with a flute flutters around the center like a melodic butterfly. Down the alley, amidst the passing horses and pedestrians, he notices the familiar sight of his Maggie's long dirty blond hair flitting from around a corner. He stands up to get get a better look and just as she reveals herself and their eyes meet a loud trumpeting begin to play from nearby.
The trumpets grew louder as they grew closer and soon loud horse clomps could be heard accompanying them. Hank holds out his flowers toward Maggie, who is nearing the edge of the circle when two dozen of the Queen's guard come riding into the street circling the area and blocking off Hank's view of Maggie. Behind each guard a dwarf, facing backward, holds a long trumpet. They trumpet as they align themselves in the street but as they finish their regimented stances so does the trumpeting cease. An eery silence befalls the once-bustling center. After a moment of pregnant peace, another sound comes from the direction same the guards had just come from. This time it was an entire band.
A drummer, a lute player, a fiddler, a glockenspiel player, and a timbrel player filed out of the alleyway followed by a harp player on a rolling wooden stage pulled by a mule. The band took up space inside the circle of guards and began to play the celebratory song that always played when the queen was being presented. As the townsfolk begin to kneel the queen, in her golden carriage, is carried into the center by four of the largest men anyone had ever seen. They gingerly put her carriage down on the cobblestone. The band played their obligatory triumphant crescendo and just as it ends the queen pops out of the top of the carriage like a royal jack-in-the-box.
Even her immense beauty did not disguise her rotten disposition as she scowls at the lowly townspeople from her perch. When her scornful gaze ends she pulls a cone-shaped device up to her lips and shouts, matter-of-factly, to the crowd "You are all scum! You are all worthless scum!" By now, It is obvious that she is completely drunk but never the less she shrieks, "I am the Queen! And it is my birthday tomorrow and I will make an announcement! Tomorrow. So, um, be ready." She points her cone-shaped device at the crowd sweeping across their faces with a stern look. "Tonight! In preparation for my announce...meant, I am taking all the single men to the dungeons!" Her smile grew as she claps her hands mockingly.
Just then, the guard nearest her rides up and whispers something in her ear. Then she says, "Oh Yeah. All single men between the ages of 18 and 25 must go to the dungeons!" She looks around the crowd at many surprised faces. Then, she holds her finger up to her lips and says, in what she thinks is a whisper but is actually quite loud, "It's a surprise." Followed promptly by her screaming, "Toot the horn!" into her medieval loud-speaker.
The horn toots and suddenly dozens of horse-drawn carriages began to fill the streets as guards came from every direction rounding up any men that met the queen's criteria. Hank tries to walk away but just as he turns to leave the queen notices him and points at her guard to take him. The guard rushes over to Hank, hits him over the head with the blunt end of his sword and pulls him by the legs toward the nearest carriage. As he passes the queen she stops the guard to pull the flowers from his hand and as Hank is put into the carriage the queen pulls the flowers to her nose and with a satisfied smile she takes in their aroma.
After all the commotion Maggie could finally see Hank just as he is being knocked out. She watches as he is dragged into the carriage and she clenches her fists as she watches the queen sniffing her flowers. She starts toward the queen but is stopped by the hands of the butterfly that had been playing the flute who shakes his head at her. They both knew she would never make it to the queen alive. Maggie knew that the queen would never make it to her announcement alive.
After the queen is taken back to her castle and the guards rounded up all the eligible men to take to the dungeons Maggie walks down the road toward the castle. In her hand, she holds a long walking stick and on her hip, in an ornate sheath, she has a long and sharp dagger. She moves along the path with the confidence and focus of a lioness making her way to the fields where she hunts. Her determination guides her and without thought, she makes her way through the darkness.
Soon she is met by a gate guarded by two armored men. The larger of the two walks up to her, attempting to tower over her but the closer he gets the more useless that approach becomes. With only on an inch of additional height compared to Maggie the guard speaks in a gruff tone that indicates he is already irritated. He says, "What do you want wench?"
Without a word, Maggie tries to walk past the men but when the guard puts his hand on her shoulder she falls to one knee and with the walking staff she pulls his legs out from under him and he falls to his back, stuck like a turtle weighed down by his heavy armor. The other guard points his spear at Maggie, the blade holding steady in from of her eyes. He commands, "Halt! There don't have to be no trouble." Maggie stands up and before the guard could react she spins into his body, gracefully jamming the pointy end of her dagger up under his chin causing blood to spurt out against her fine dress. She then turns to the first man struggling to get to his feet. Standing next to him she pulls his sword from his sheath and stabs him through the throat.
Through the darkness, she continues on until soon she sees, in the distance, a group of five guards drinking and eating by a campfire along the road. She looks to the opposite side of the guards to see a clump of trees along the road. She decides to sneak past the guards along that side. As she is sneaking around the trees her foot crunches down on a trig which makes a loud snap. She looks over to see that one of the guards coming her way. Her heart starts to beat and her breath quickens as the guard approaches. Just as he breaks through the trees he is met by Maggie's blade across his throat and in the silence, he falls to the ground bleeding out. Before any of the other guards become suspicious she sneaks quietly up the path closer to the castle.
Now, ahead of Maggie lies the queen's mote. While the mote is not very wide Maggie knows that it is full of ravenous alligators and other horrible creatures. The queen had made a show of it a year ago when she demonstrated the mote's new defenses by throwing a group of convicted thieves into it who were promptly eaten. Walking around the outside of the mote she notices a part of it that is the least wide. At about ten feet she thought that it must be the safest part to cross. Looking around the area she noticed a large tree just at the bank of the mote and a large limb of the tree protruding out into the empty space above the mote.
The tree is easy for her to climb but the limb is not as wide as it had looked on the ground but she is not about the go back now. As she runs across the limb it begins to bend and just as she is about to leap to the other side it snaps causing her to plummet into the dark water below. She hits the bottom of the mote quicker than expected and with less water than expected as the mote is actually only about three feet deep. She could see the eyes of an alligator slowly making its way to her but being only three feet deep is able to easily wade across it faster than the alligator could make its way to her.
On the other side of the mote, she does her best to wipe off the muck of the water from her dress. Now, with only her dagger, as her walking staff was discarded during her fall, she starts to pace around the high walls of the castle until she finds a conveniently placed ladder that led up the wall to the castle ramparts. Atop the wall, she saw that the entrance to the dungeons is located on the ground level behind a door that had the word "Dungeon" written in red on a sign above it. She is even more stunned when she finds a door just a few feet away on the rampart that had a similar sign that read "Queen's Chamber" above it.
With her dagger ready to pounce she made her way through the door to the queen's chamber. The spiral staircase is lined with candles and stone busts of the queen until they ended at a large circular room with three doors lining it. Luckily each door had its own sign above it revealing where it led. The signs read, "Shitter", "Banquet Hall" and lastly "Chamber" but this door had an additional sign tacked to its face that read, "Do Not Disturb".
Maggie made her way slowly into the center of the room heading toward the queen's bedroom but just as she stepped into the very middle of the room three figures appear from behind three pillars inside the room. The figures were not normal guards and Maggie had never seen anything like them before. They wore robes of pitch black that covered them from head to toe save only a small slit for their eyes. Their shoes had only two toes and they each held a long curved sword.
They surrounded her and began circling her. Suddenly one lunged forward but Maggie spins away just in time. Then another sword swipes down at her but she is able to roll toward the attack and as she passes by the attacker's feet her own dagger slices the attacker's Achilles tendons causing them to cry out in pain and fall to the floor. Now the other two come at her with all their speed and strength. They swipe and slice through the air at her but with each of their advances, she is able to move swiftly out of range or dance gracefully between them. She is no longer a person with thoughts and decisions but instead, she is like a bar of soap that you could never quite grasp. She is a piece of paper floating in the wind as its owner tries unsuccessfully to reclaim it.
With each illusive step the dark figures, let's call them ninjas, become fatigued until soon they were not so swift and not so strong. That is when Maggie struck. As they were catching their breath she advances on them. She is able to dodge one more lunge from the first ninja and spun into their guard plunging her dagger into their throat. They fell to the ground, blood spurting from their jugular. Without looking, Maggie smoothly knelt down to pick up the long, sleek sword the ninja no longer needed and holds it in her left hand where she advances on the third ninja. She saw the look of fear in their eyes as sweat poured down both their faces.
Maggie, wanting to show mercy, stood still and waved at the ninja to leave while they still could. The ninja looks at Maggie with disbelief but slowly makes their way to the "Shitter" door and with a flash is on the other side of it leaving Maggie to the queen. Maggies opens the queen's door slowly to find the queen and four naked men asleep on the queen's massive bed. Maggie, with a sword in one hand and a dagger in the other, walks confidently up to the edge of the bed, taps the sword against the metal bedpost, creating a loud tinny sound, and yells, "Get the fuck out of here!"
The naked men awoke to see Maggie standing in front of them covered in blood and wielding blades. They quickly get to their feet to run out of the room. The queen remains asleep through all the commotion so Maggie sheathes her dagger and lays the sword on the bed and then grabs the queen by her ankles and swiftly pulls her back until her face hits the hard wooden floor. This woke her up for certain. As Queen Priscilla struggles to her feet she exclaims, "What is the meaning of this?" But when she makes it to her backside she sees Maggie in front of her staring back.
"Guards!" the queen yells but before she could say it again Maggie is on top of her holding her by the throat. The queen is beautiful but not strong and with her many years wrangling steers Maggie has quite the grip so the queen had no chance. Queen Priscilla's face soon turns to pink, then purple and then it does not turn at all but simply slumps over with lifeless ease. Maggie took in a deep breath as she pulls her hair out from her face and then stands up. She takes the sword from the bed and with a few strong blows slices the queen's head from her body.
Maggie, now holding the queen's severed head, makes her way through the castle toward the dungeons. Along the way she is met by guards who, once seeing the head in her hand and realizing that they were probably better off without this particular queen, permitted Maggie to do as she pleased. Also, they thought it might not be a great idea to mess with this particular woman. One guard actually escorts Maggie through the dungeon corridors and unlocks all the doors for her as she traveled.
In the dungeons, dozens of men were meandering about a large cell. The guard opens the door for her and in their midst, she calls out, "Hank Abalone! Where is Hank Abolone?"
"Here! I'm here," Hank's voice emanates from deep within the crowd.
As she walks toward his voice the crowd of men in their way part allowing them to see each other. Hank sprints toward Maggie until he is within a few feet where he stops, falls to his knees and asks, "Will you marry me?"
Maggie drops the queen's head, stares into his eyes and through tears, says, "Yes! Of course I will."
Maggie and Hank were married soon after and as the kingdom was in need of a new ruler anyway the townspeople unanimously appointed Maggie and Hank the new Queen and King of the land. They lived happily ever after and were never cunty to anyone.